‘You are so much more than what you see in the mirror’

This quote I try tell myself everyday… as my year cancer’versary is coming up (since I got told this bastard was taking over my entire body/organs), I can’t help but look at how much I have changed. Aesthetically speaking, I have changed my hair colour about 30 times this year, changed all my makeup/skin care regimes, attempted to change my diet, changed my life mantra… however I have also nearly lost over 2 stone since Christmas 2020. I definitely know a lot of this was due to the side effects of my radiotherapy, however I know a lot of it is so my anxiety and a fear I now have over eating and what I eat as I’m terrified I’m just going to be sick (just like I was after rads)… like I always say, you’re brain can be a scary place.

I’m trying so hard to not care about my appearance and have preached to you all many times about how there is so many more important things and my god there definitely is, but at the moment I just do not feel like me?!! All I see is skin and bones. This only clicked in my head when I saw my reflection in a shop window taking Indie to ballet this morning and I realised how unhappy I am with how much weight I had lost. I’ve got from a size 10-12 to a size 4-6 and even that is slightly baggy on me. I can see rib by rib for the first time I think ever, I used to joke all the time to my family about Tina the talking tummy because I had this beautiful gut that poked out of my jeans that I desperately want back. I genuinely feel like I look ‘ILL’ (which I know I am, but I’ve always felt like I looked well in the least egotistical way 😂)… I know my body is keeping me alive but it’s also driving me crazy…

This blog is more of a kinda ask for help off all my readers… what can I do to put on weight?! Telling me to eat more to isn’t working as my tummy has shrunk that much I just can’t get enough calories through food. Hit me up readers and help a sister out!

Rach x