The good, the bad and the ugly

It’s ok to not feel ok.

This ones a deep one, good luck 😂

When I first got diagnosed and they told me my cancer had spread, they told me my treatment would be chemotherapy and it would start in the new year. I didn’t cry, I didn’t shout, I didn’t scream.. I felt numb. I simply asked my oncologist whether I could go home. I could not sit in that room with my mask on and breath any longer listening to information that I just couldn’t quite believe (in hindsight, I probs should have listened to more and got more facts rather than going home thinking I was a goner haha, but again you live and learn). He agreed he would ring me in a few days once I had processed the news. (This treatment has now been put on hold and radiotherapy is my treatment plan going forward)

The next few days, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I attempted to put makeup on and cover any type of emotion I was feeling but the thought of becoming so poorly through treatment and the endless list of tablets and side effects and not knowing whether anything would actually work to make any of this go away (with sarcomas being so rare), just over took me. Without my mum and sister getting me up and dressed and brushing my hair for me, I don’t even know what I would have done.

The concept of me looking and feeling so well but having this cancer all round my body made me feel physically ill. I felt aches and pains that I’d never felt before and I had the biggest surge of anxiety constantly that I just couldn’t breath. I had panic attacks that my lungs were collapsing and it took over my entire body. I cried every time Indie said ‘mummy’ as I couldn’t bare the idea of me not being here one day for her to say it to me (emosh I know, soz guys). I was so scared about how she would see me now, incase I lost my hair or I looked any different and I didn’t look like ‘mummy’ anymore. BUT... She has been amazing... to the point where she didn’t even realise I had taken my neck brace off haha. She is so adaptable and just perfect in every way. Shes definitely my sunshine. She’s made me come to terms with the fact that I actually really don’t care what I look like, because she doesn’t care. These steroids I am on have covered my entire top half of body in acne. I put cream on them every night and try to keep it calm, yet to her, I’m still mummy and she doesn’t care about them, so why do I?!

Thinking about this now, makes me realise just how far I’ve come and I’m actually really proud of myself and I don’t even care about saying it. Your mind is such a crazy place to get stuck in and I’ve never experienced anything like it. Talking to someone/anyone really helps. Don’t get stuck in your head, please reach out to people, we all need to be there for one another. Someone else’s problems doesn’t make yours any less.

It’s ok to feel like shit and have bad days, we’re all human, it’s what you do with those bad days that make them better.

Wake up everyday and feel happy and lucky to have everything you have. I know I do ❤️