It is fair to say ‘ITS NOT FAIR’

This weeks been a bit of a funny one for me. Unless you’re part of our really cool cancer community i don’t think you’d fully understand the impact that hearing that someone in our ‘club’ was finally going to do some dancing up high…If you don’t know what im talking about then its Deborah James, the hilarious writer/blogger/podcaster/advocator, she wrote a post this week explaining how it was her last as her body had finally given up and could’nt take anymore of the awful treatment she had been having for the past 5 years. It really sets me back hearing it. I don’t bloody know her from Adam and got my own shit going on, however I think it really confirms to me the reality that cancer is actually a killer and it isn’t just some thing that hangs around and becomes an annoyance and brings pain and the shits at the most inconvenient times.

So… to bring a little more sunshine to my week, I received my scan results yesterday after my first 4 doses of immunotherapy… my Dr explained to me that it wasn’t good news, all my tumours have grown and I even have a new site sitting in my abdomen.. Did I know it deep down that it hadn’t worked? Who knows, but being in that room, hearing news as fucking shit as that just took me straight back to xmas eve 2020 where I first received my diagnosis.

The one thing I just wanted to shout back at Dr Lee was ‘COME ON, give me a fucking break, man, we fundrasied and did everything we could to raise this fucking money, 100k, like its ridiculous to think of all that money, and it was to give me this treatment that WAS MEANT TO WORK & now im back in this room and this chair with you explaining to me that we need to book into chemo and im going to lose my hair again blah blah. I actually smiled and nodded and said we would come back and discuss in a few weeks after we had been on holiday haha...

But I do want to say sorry. Sorry to everyone who donated to help me raise this money… I really thought we had a chance of kicking some tumour butt and getting a handle on this shit storm.. but hey, when does my body ever do anything we want right? But really, I am truly sorry you had to spend your money.

For the first time in a long time, I feel sorry for myself. I honestly feel like I cannot catch a break. My body is just not playing ball and is just doubling and creating these cells that are not fucking welcome and I just want to scream at the top of my voice ‘LIFE IS NOT FAIR’, ‘CANCER IS SHIT’

So, ill see you soon people, most likely bald and looking like a egg but hopefully the smile will be back on my face.

Rach x

*also the money which was donated will hopefully go towards some other miracle treatment we research and find, but i promise it wont be wasted, I still appreciate it so much xxx*