Is there a price on life?

So, I’ve had a right day.

Today I got the news that the NHS won’t fund my new treatment. The drug company have said that I haven’t explored all treatment options, so therefore they won’t pay out such a price for me to trial it when I can do other things first… like what the fuck even is that.

The thought of someone sat there with all my details on a piece of paper and just thinking ‘no she doesn’t get this’ or ‘ nah, she’s not gone through enough yet’ makes me genuinely feel physically sick. The thought of me just being another ‘case‘ to these people makes me realise how to them I’m just another statistic or just another cancer patient. How can someone make a decision on someone else’s life and determine whether they are ‘worth’ saving or ‘worth’ the treatment and the amount of money it costs. They have actually suggested if I try chemo and it doesn’t work then that box is ‘ticked’ so then they might consider funding me? WHAT even is that. Putting my body through giving it TOXIC drugs and making myself so damn poorly just to tick a fucking box? I am NOT a box ticking exercise?!? I am a human being that deserves to LIVE my BEST bloody life and deserves to be able to access all treatments that could possibly save me. What is the world coming to.

It is not my oncologists fault in the slightest and I know he would have and will put up the best fight for me, I am in very good hands with him but the whole concept that this is the world that we live in is just bizarre. My family keep asking me how I am and the only way I can describe how I am is that I feel like I’m living in an out of body experience, like is this even happening to me?! How can I actually be looking at trying to find 100k to possibly save my life? What even is that.

When I get told bad news, I always take it with a big gulp. I never instantly cry. It takes me a while to process things, but yes the water works did flood for a good hour.

I will pick myself back up (like I always bloody do) and I am determined not to let fucking cancer ruin or take away another special Christmas of mine with my little girl.

I will find 100k and I have no doubt in my mind that my family/friends will do everything they can to get me this treatment but seriously, what a bloody shit show this world actually is. Thank god I’ve got Gems hen do this weekend, time to get shit faced. Hope you’re ready girls.

Rach x