‘How you take your wins are just as important as how you take your losses’

So… I wrote this blog & then I saw my mum and dad and talked life through and everything seemed better again, but I thought I’d post it anyway as this is how I felt after my scan and I also thought it was important for people to understand the realities of the emotions that come with cancer… 😂

Over the past 9 months since my diagnosis I’ve found that those moments where you should feel elated and happy in certain situations where you are being told ‘positive’ news don’t actually come very often. I find my peace and happiness in the most bizarre moments…not in the moments I ‘should’ feel happy, basically cancer just fucks with your brain… 🤯

Today, I got told that my most recent scan results were fairly stable… there’s been some growth in my liver and a new but small growth in my T2 on my spine but nothing to call the doctor about 😉… These results should bring me a sense of calm and a feeling that life can go on for another 3 months… however, I don’t feel even slightly like that. I feel a sense of panic, a sense that my time is ticking away, a feeling of uncertainty of what’s to come next. I know, my mind is mad.

The conversations with my oncologist that followed were about treatment options for the future and how there isn’t a lot of success stories regarding Sarcomas and the type of chemotherapy that are available… and then he went on to explain some info regarding a clinical trial which will be available to me over the next few months. I know I should absolutely amazed and blessed at the idea of a clinical trial which is now available for a cancer as rare as mine (and there’s no doubt in my mind that the money we have raised has contributed to this, so thank you)… but it just fills me with terror and worry about what this entails in regards to my journey and the side effects it could bring etc etc and then there’s the conversation of ‘well do I even go for this trial’ as essentially all treatment options are my choice! All this info has sent my brain into overdrive and I feel so extremely overwhelmed (not that anyone actually asked how I’m feeling, I’m basically using you all as a free therapist 🙃)

Is there something wrong with me that I don’t feel happy at ‘fairly stable’ results again?😂 or is this just the trials and tribulations of being on this cancer journey and never bloody knowing what the future holds which is just toying with my mind.

I know whatever I go through, my family will always make it 100 times better. So thank you for being my rocks ❤️

Anyway, to help my brain, I’m now sat in my hot tub with a beer just taking in today and hoping tomorrow I’ll be able to rationalise my thoughts and look forward to the next couple of months scan free with my little family.

Cheers guys 🍺

(ps. You’re all more than welcome to tell me to stop being a miserable bitch and take the wins when I can)