Bitter Sweet Symphony

In the wonderful words from ‘The Verve’ this past week has definitely been bittersweet for me. As many of you might have already seen, I got my scan results a few days ago. My oncologist told me that all my tumours were ‘stable’, bar a few cheeky liver ones who apparently want to steal the limelight, oh and some lung fluid that needs draining 🙃... however, that is honestly the best news I could have asked for (don’t get me wrong, I’m far from cured, I’m still riddled guys 😂) but everything is under control and how we want it, so why after feeling so elated being told that kind of news did my mood suddenly go so flat?!?...

‘FLAT’ is the only way I could describe myself. I felt as if my anxiety had doubled. It was the most bizarre thing. I felt/still slightly feel so much pressure to now keep this stability up and it makes me even more scared now for my next scans incase they are not the same?!? The ‘scanxiety’ doesn’t just disappear like I thought it would after the scan... it lingers and the pressure for my next scan is now just heightened. I feel so much pressure to keep up this positivity when actually I am bloody shit scared of what is to come in my life!! But I suppose this is just all part of the journey of cancer hey and what is now my new life.

I’ve had a few sloppy, shitty days feeling sorry for myself on the sofa which I’ve come to realise is completely ok, I’m allowed a bad few days but this time I’ve let it be a bad week, which isn’t like me and it has been so emotionally draining. I’m so thankful that my mum dragged me out for some fresh air yesterday and we fed the ducks with Indie. It was so lovely and just what I needed. It’s set me up for a good week!!

I know this week is going to be better as today is my ‘6 month cancerversary’. It is 6 months to the day since I got diagnosed. This is a milestone for me as at the time, I didn’t even know if I would see 6 months (always the drama queen 😅)... so I’m going to raise a glass and have a piece of cake and enjoy my lovely little life the way I should.

Anxiety can go suck a big fat one as it’s not taking another week off me!

Rach x